Being There for a Friend with Cancer
Supporting a loved one or friend with cancer can be an incredible gift that will help them through a difficult time. In general, almost any effort you make to reach out and offer support will be appreciated. Still, there are a few things to keep in mind that will help you in supporting your loved one that are truly helpful, and will help you avoid adding additional stress to the situation.
Listen
Often, the best thing you can do for your loved one or friend with cancer is to listen. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to find “the right thing” to say or offering your opinion, but try to refrain from doing this, especially for someone who’s newly diagnosed. This person is experiencing a lot of overwhelming feelings and may simply need to “vent.” If this is what your friend or family member needs, she'll be incredibly grateful if you can be the one who simply lends an ear.
Avoid Focusing on “the Answer”
When we learn about a difficult situation that a loved one is facing, our first tendency may be to try to find the solution to the problem. With cancer, there is no one right solution. Think of cancer diagnosis and its treatment as a journey. At different times and places in this journey, there may be different things your friend needs. By avoiding problem-solving mode, you will be more flexible and open to seeing and responding to your loved ones needs.
Offer Information if Asked, But Don’t Overdo It
One invaluable way of supporting a loved one with cancer is to research the cancer he's faced with. You can search on the Internet (make sure you use only reputable websites) or contact an agency such as the American Cancer Society directly and ask that information be mailed to you. You can also seek out good quality colon cancer books that your loved one may find helpful when he's ready to read up.
Avoid dropping a giant stack of papers on the kitchen table. Try to organize the information from least complex (basic information about the type of cancer) to most (what type of clinical trials or experimental therapies might be available, for example). If you have the time, you may want to organize the material in a three-ring binder with label tabs for general topic areas. And finally, don’t pressure your loved one to read it immediately. You can say something such as, “I know this looks like a lot of information, but you can file it away for now and get to it when you’re ready.”
You can also read the material yourself and discuss it with the individual, if she might find that useful.
Offer Well-Defined Assistance with Everyday Needs
For some people with cancer, asking for help can feel like an admission of failure. And trying to figure out how to ask for help and what help is needed can be tough, too. To ease the burden, provide very specific suggestions for what you can do and follow through on your offer. For example, you can say, “I’d love to help out. Can I stop by your house next Tuesday afternoon to mow your lawn?” “Can I take you to your appointment next Friday?” “Would you like me to pick up your kids from soccer practice?” “If you give me a list, I’d be happy to stop by the grocery store to pick up a few necessities for you.” The examples are endless, but the key is to offer help with concrete tasks. This type of help is very much appreciated.
Remember: It’s Not About You
Sometimes when we learn of a loved one’s cancer diagnosis, we have to sort through our own conflicting emotions. It helps to keep in mind that this person’s cancer diagnosis is not about you. As well, if you’re supporting someone who’s in active cancer treatment, be flexible. What this person needs today may be completely different than what he or she needed yesterday or last week. Avoid getting caught up in these changes. Do your best to support and keep the focus on caring for your loved one.
Be Supportive, But Don’t Catastrophize
When learning of another person’s cancer diagnosis, it’s very easy to fall into saying, “Oh no, that’s so horrible,” over and over again. Try to avoid this type of catastrophizing. It can be hard to know what to say, but sometimes a simple “I don’t know what to say, but I’m very sorry you’re going through this,” can work wonders.
Allow For Silence
Most people are uncomfortable with silence and this is especially true when talking about a sensitive topic such as cancer. However, filling up every lull in the conversation with idle chatter can be overwhelming to your loved one. Always trying to find the right thing to say can be emotionally exhausting for you, too. Respect that your loved on may simply need to sit with a supportive friend in silence.
Avoid Comparison Stories
People love comparison stories. While one-upping a story can be a humorous way to connect with people on less serious topics, it’s usually not helpful when you’re talking to someone with cancer. This person is coping with a very difficult diagnosis, and mentioning how your Aunt Joan had the same type of cancer and did “so well” typically isn’t helpful or appreciated. Even worse? Talking about others who’ve died of cancer. This is not appropriate.
